It feels wrong sleeping without writing anything about my day. I didn't want to put pressure on myself to journal every day, but I kind of like that I've been consistent. In general, I feel weird about being controlling over habits and actions. I don't really like following schedules anymore, and I enjoy doing things whenever I feel like it.
It's genuinely such a polar opposite to my life last term. I used to wake up 8am the latest, 6am was probably the average, and I meticulously managed every minute of my life.
I did a lot that term. I was a First Dean's Lister, organized an Iftar event, acted as an officer, completed Ramadan, and somehow kept my social life intact. I actually find it insane how much I did in just 4 months.
I liked it. I liked how much I was doing. I liked that I was always busy. I liked feeling needed. I liked being useful. I liked succeeding. I liked accomplishing something genuinely significant every day.
It's gone now though. I left. But, I really needed to go. I was honestly losing it during the term break, and I felt that it was time to resign. I keep telling myself that I needed to do something else in my college life besides officership, but I don't know what that is.
Sure, there's the org, academics, hangouts, or anything else really. But, there's no feedback component. I liked being told what to do. I liked being scolded. I liked being praised. I liked being an underclassman. I liked being an upperclassman. I liked being a component in a machine much larger than my life ever will be.
I don't want to find a replacement for it. I don't want to view officership as the one thing I did good in this life and measure up everything else I'll do next to it. At the same time, I was in the best position I ever was that term. Effective, efficient, confident, full of initiative and ideas, selfless in ways I didn't know I could be.
Yet, I became selfish too. I stopped pulling my weight around the house. I started rushing my prayers. I wasn't present during group works. I spent less time with my family. I also think I lost the plot along the way. It was supposed to be about growth, but I began to breathe for the Corps. I became an extension of it. What it needed, I would give. Even things it didn't ask, I would still answer for. I was obsessed. In a bad and good way. It made me feel alive. It made me feel like I was, for once in my life, worthy of living.
That's why I needed to leave. Because it kept eating at me. It consumed me. It kept taking, no, I kept giving it pieces of me until I was a hollow shell. Good on the outside, but completely empty in the inside.
I think that's why everyone was surprised when I resigned - even me. I began to think that shell was my real self. I didn't see the emptiness because I wouldn't let myself or anyone see that. I needed to be okay to be of use, and I couldn't risk that truth getting out.
It's ironic now that I'm out. I tried so hard to keep it together. I kept pushing in ways I didn't truly understand. I got addicted to testing my limits and would never entertain the fact that I needed to let up. I needed a break. I needed to actually live MY life. Not the commander's. Not that cadets'. Not my batchmates'. Not the Corps'.
Sometimes, I wonder if there was a way to stay. It's a pointless thought that I can't help but entertain. I think about how I should've taken it easier overall. I think about how I should've turned down the offer to join the competition. I think about how I should've delegated better. I think about how I wish people just replied faster. I think about how they shouldn't have put me in charge right after the break I willingly gave up for them. I think about how I should've separated my home life more from the Corps life. I think about it all. Everything I should've done. Everything I should'nt have.
I prayed. I prayed so much about what decision would be best. I prayed, and I still pray now that my choice wasn't a mistake. Despite my recurring thoughts of "what ifs," I truly believe it was my time to leave. I don't know why, and not knowing terrifies me. Because I feel like I sacrificed something that made my life so rich and interesting in exchange for nothing. A part of me so desperately craves success that would put my work in the Corps to shame. Yet, at the same time, I no longer want to measure my worth according to what I've done.
The world is a big and bright place. I do not know my place in it. I thought the Corps would bring me closer to that. And, it did. By showing me where not to stay. I don't regret anything I've done there. In fact, I cherish every moment I spent.
It is time to move on.
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