I don't know how to feel anymore. I attended counseling today, which was a weird experience. I mostly talked about my resignation, but I feel like I can talk about deeper stuff in my future sessions. I regret telling some people about this website. They don't know the URL but having others know of its existence makes me feel performative when I write.
Dad talked about my progress in creating the Muslim organization. I essentially told him that I don't really want to do it anymore.
It's strange. It always felt like something I should do but ever since the beginning I felt off about it. Like it wasn't me who was supposed to be at the helm. Like I needed a different vision before forming it. Like there was something missing, something I didn't understand, something I didn't see. I don't know if I'm just telling myself that because I want to justify not doing the work.
I know a part of me is scared. I don't want to be at the front and center of this. I'm worried people will just not care. I hated how alone I felt when I first tried to start the org. I feel wrong. I don't feel fit to be in charge. I hate a lot. I procrastinate. I loathe. I get annoyed so easily sometimes. I get angry for reasons I don't understand and to a degree far greater than the situation calls for.
I know if I decide to do it that I can do it. But, I need to make sure that my intentions are right. I need to make sure that I truly believe in it. I need to make sure it's for Allah and nothing else.
I should probably bring this up to my counselor next week.
I want the org to be real but it doesn't feel right. At least for now.
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